Drawings

Spawn asked me to draw him a map of our house...

Me: there, how's that?
Spawn: Mom, you shouldn't really draw.

In case of bedtime emergencies...

Tonight, as Spawn was going to bed:

Me: goodnight Spawn, I love you.  It's time for you to rest.
Spawn: goodnight Mom.  I love you.  Sleep well.  And remember to call 9-1-1 if you have an emergency.

Jerk or Treat!

It's Halloween, so I thought I'd see if Spawn had learned any good trick-or-treating jokes at school...

me: Hey, do you know any jokes?
him: [spits]
me: I don't think anyone is going to give you candy for that. Maybe you should just say "trick or treat!"
him: jerk or treat!
me: I'm pretty sure you won't get much candy for saying that either.  Maybe you could learn a joke.
him: or I could do this [spits again, then makes vomiting sound].
me: how about this joke: What's a ghost's favorite fruit?
him: ghost bananas?  ghost marshmallows?
me: those aren't real things.  Marshmallows aren't even a fruit...  A ghost's favorite fruit is boo-berries!  Now you try.  Ask me what a ghost's favorite fruit is...
him: Junk or treat!  Ghosts like blueberries and marshmallows!  Got it!

Corn Pool?

So there's a tub of corn at the farmers market...

Who's Hungry?

Spawn, Prawn, and I were riding in the car a few days ago.  It was kind of chilly out (snot weather!), and Spawn's nose was kind of runny.  He probably had a cold, too, since that seems to be a theme of preschool.  Anyway, I called him out on it...

Me: hey, whatcha doing back there?

Spawn: I'm just picking my nose.  Sometimes when I'm riding in the car I get hungry, and I need a little snack.  So I pick my boogers and eat them. 

Me: (gagging) um, you know, we could always just have a snack when we get home.  We're actually in the driveway right now, so we can go inside and eat some actual food right now.

Spawn: No, that's okay Mom.  I'm all right.  I'm full now.  I don't need anything else to eat.

I might vomit.

Legos Aflame

Spawn did something awesome, and as a result he earned a Lego boat.  It's pretty much the most exciting thing that's ever happened to him.  While he and Dad were building it, he got upset because he thought two of the pieces were too close together.

Spawn: if you put them too close together like that, they'll catch fire.
Dad: what?  Why would they do that?
Spawn: yeah, that's what my Aunt Jane told me.
Dad: was she talking about boats?
Spawn: she was talking about things that catch on fire.
Dad: well, that makes sense.

Burning down the house?

This morning the city firemen visited Spawn's preschool.  It was exciting for all, especially when the firemen got a call 5 minutes after they got there.  Of course the toddlers immediately started rumors, which Spawn picked up on...

me: So, what did you do at school today?

Spawn: The firemen were there.  But they got called away.  The guy was dead.

me: (hopeful) did you say there was a dad?

Spawn: nope.  Dead, Mom, he was dead.  They went to get him.

me: What?  Who?  ...um, maybe they were going to go put out a little fire in a tree...

Spawn: There was a dead guy.  In a burning house.

me: Maybe they were getting a cat out of a tree!

Spawn: maybe the dead guy was in a big building on fire.  Or maybe it was a house.

Forgotten lunchbox

Me: whoops, I think we left your lunchbox at Besa's house. We need to turn around to go get it.
Spawn: Oh no, don't forget my lunchbox or I will be hungry forever! 
Me: Found it.
Spawn: Hooray! Now I won't have to be hungry!

Missing baby

A few days ago, Spawn (3 years old) was asking about the baby (10 weeks old), who was taking a nap.

Spawn: Where's the baby?
Me: Guess.
Spawn: Oh no.  Is he back in your tummy?!  This is really bad.
Me: No.  He is not welcome there.  He's upstairs taking a nap.
Spawn: Oh good, I was worried.

Chocolate milk

After I picked Spawn up from preschool one day, he asked if I would go through the McDonald's drive-thru to get him some chocolate milk.  (The only thing he likes at McDonald's is chocolate milk - score one for the parents!!)  We weren't anywhere near a McDonald's, so I said no, then somehow we got into a conversation of things he likes to eat.  One of Spawn's favorite activities is to sneak into the garden in the back yard (which is latched to keep out kids, dogs, and/or whatever else may try to wander in) to steal... broccoli.  Yep, broccoli.  Sometimes he sneaks in for "salad" (lettuce), too, but in the end he almost always ends up also eating broccoli, even if it's bolted (EW).

Anyway, we somehow ended up in this conversation:

Me: We're not going to McDonald's for chocolate milk.
Spawn: Why?
Me: Because it's far away, and there's nothing else there you like.
Spawn: Why?
Me: Because they don't have things you like.  What are some foods you like?
Spawn: I like broccoli and carrots and peas and apples and goldfish.
Me: those are some good choices.  What else do you like?
Spawn: ... but I don't eat everything.
Me: I've noticed.
Spawn: and I don't eat paint.
Me: that's probably for the best.
Spawn: and I don't eat cars or houses, because then they would be broken.
Me: ...
Spawn: and I don't eat people, because that would hurt them.
Me: good to know...

Sorry Mom

I (Mom) was putting Spawn to bed one night, when he called me "Dad."  Then he corrected himself: "Sorry, Mom, sometimes I confused you and Dad because you have the same... the same... um... the same teeth."

It's true.  We did both have braces.  And judging from Spawn's grill, he'll have the same teeth, too.  Sucker!!

I have no idea what you're talking about

Dad: "(Spawn), did you poop on the potty?"
Spawn, comically shrugging & rolling eyes: "I have NO idea what you're talking about"
Dad: "Did you poop in your diaper?"
Spawn, comically shrugging & rolling eyes: "I have NO idea what you're talking about"
Dad: "Where did you learn to say I have no idea what you're talking about?"
Spawn, smirking: "Dad, I have NO idea what you're talking about"